Night 28.18

I hate when we fight. I hate when it’s about him. But deep down, I really hate that you’re right. I’m just weak, and I hate myself for it. It’s nights like these when I see the impermanence of this most sharply. When I can see the end before the beginning. It’s these nights that are full of self-loathing. It would be so easy to prove my fragility with the aid of a sharp edge. With the sudden turn of wheel, I could prove to you my weakness. Streaks of green in a haze of black inky night.

These are the thoughts that race through my mind in those instances when my eyes are gone, stuck in the distance, within the craters of the moon. “There is no life after death, so stop worrying about it,” you said. But the truth is, I was never really worried about that. My thoughts weren’t on the life after, but the death. But I let you believe so that you wouldn’t know. These are the thoughts I have when my lips remain motionless.


Dry Spell.

I’ve been struggling lately, at war with my own mind. I feel this overwhelming urge to write and create but when I look inside myself for the matter to draw from, I come up empty.

I feel like a well that has run dry.

I haven’t felt the urge to write in so long, so I want to take advantage of it now while it’s there. But I don’t even know where to begin. How do you force the inspiration? How do you force the existence of something that apparently doesn’t want to be found out?

I feel betrayed by my own mind. How cruel that artists have a bottom of the well, a wall in their mind, blocking them from the ideas that are begging to be shown to the world.

How cruel.

Almost There!

As Finals Week begins tomorrow, I am, of course, surrounded with textbooks, notes, and study guides, just trying to survive. At this point in the term, I am beyond mentally checked out, and I really just want to be done already. I feel mentally exhausted.

I’m trying to give myself some positive pep talks and am constantly reminding myself that I will be done with the term on Wednesday. After Wednesday, I can finally relax and get ready for Christmas! I think I’m just already so in the mood for Christmas that I’m not even focused on school work anymore. There are a lot of things I want to get done over my four week winter break, and they’re the things that are getting me through these next three days ahead.

  1. READ. If you follow my other blog, you’d know that I absolutely love to read; it’s my passion and what I want to do for my career. If you haven’t seen my book blog yet, definitely go check it out! But during school, I don’t have as much free time to read, so over winter break, I want to read as many books as I can before school starts again.
  2. EDIT. It turns out my boss wrote a book for fun, and he wants to see if he can get it published either self or traditionally. I offered to read and edit it for him, so I’ll definitely be busy with my red pen over winter break.
  3. ORGANIZE. My husband and i got married back in August, but I started school shortly after our honeymoon. So, there are parts of our apartment that need to be organized and some of my things at my mom’s house that need to be moved to our apartment. I’m hoping to get some of this done and do some deep, deep cleaning.
  4. CHRISTMAS. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday of the year. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. I love love love getting gifts for the people I love and receiving them as well (of course 😉 ). I’ve already done most of my Christmas shopping, but we still need to go out and get our first little Christmas tree together for our apartment. So excited!

I just need to survive the next three days and then I’m free to get started on these four main goals for my winter break. Are any of you preparing for finals as well? I know a lot of people have finished finals already; if you have as well, let me know how yours went!

REMINDER: If you like books and want to hear more about new books, book recommendations, or just random bookish things, my other blog would be perfect for you!

Instagram: @bookrecs625


The Struggles: Wanting More

Lately, my husband and I have been feeling more and more desire for more. The only problem is, we don’t have the means for even an inch more than we have right now. We’re surviving paycheck to paycheck trying to make ends meet, and we’re feeling the loss of comforts we used to have and no longer do, like our parking spots at home, an in-home laundry unit, money for sufficient groceries and food, etc. I think that’s been the main stressor in our marriage so far and has created some tension between us. It’s not a lie when you hear everyone say that finances can be the biggest threat to a marriage.

Now there’s no way money’s getting in the way of how much we love each other, but there are so many comforts and necessities we want but are having to go without, and we’re definitely feeling that burden.

I’ve never been financially comfortable. My whole life, my family has struggled with money. My parents did all they could to protect me and my sisters from feeling any of it, but we did. My husband never really experienced that until the past year or so when he went through a career hit right before we got married. So, it’s been a bit difficult for both of us. On his part, he’s experiencing a sort of struggle he never really has before. On my part, I feel frustrated that I can never seem (and it feels I never will) get out of this financial rut. It feels I’ve always been forced into this spot of financial discomfort that seems inescapable.

I’m hoping these things get better. I’m hoping we can find the means to better our lives, or at the very least, buy some groceries…

Here’s to hoping.

Tired of Being Tired: A Vent

I’m so tired of being tired. I forgot how overwhelming college can be. With working and trying to maintain a 4.0 GPA, all while being a good wife, I feel like I’m drowning. It seems like every time I take a breath, there is something else I’m expected to do.

I never feel fully awake. There aren’t enough hours in the day to keep up with the pace society expects you to go to succeed and stay afloat.

Being a grown up isn’t fair. Responsibilities aren’t fair. This isn’t what I signed up for.

Don’t Let the Beauty Go Unnoticed

I was driving on my way to class this morning, and I was thinking about the amount of work and stress this week is going to bring. Stress is common theme for me when school is session. In addition, this is my first semester going to school and working, and on top of all of that, I’m a newlywed (this is all mentioned in my previous post).

Last night, I was with my husband, and he asked me, “Are you happy?” I asked him what he meant by this and he elaborated, “Are you happy with the way we live? Our daily routine?” At first, I thought of our little apartment in a rough neighborhood. I thought of the amount of stress I feel from my workload. I thought about my husband’s love for video games, and how he tends to play them more often than not. I could have complained about these things, whined about what we don’t have, or every little thing he does that irritates me.

But it’s not worth it.

The truth is, I have never been happier than I am right now, in our tiny apartment in a rough neighborhood, going to school and work just to come home to the best man anyone could possibly ask for, even if he happens to be on his computer. I have a beautiful life with someone who loves me.

So, I told him, “Yes, I am very happy.”

My point is, sometimes it’s a lot easier to pinpoint the negative things: what we want but don’t have, things that irritate us, etc. But it’s so important to recognize the beauty of what we do have, of the lives we live and the positive things within them. If we don’t take the time to do so, how could we possibly live a full and happy life?

REMINDER: If you like books and want to hear more about new books, book recommendations, or just random bookish things, my other blog would be perfect for you!

Instagram: @bookrecs625


Balancing the Student, Worker, and Married Life

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As you guys know I got engaged in January of this year. Well, we finally tied the knot on August 9! I’m so happy all of that planning is over, and it resulted in the happiest day of my life. We went on a four day honeymoon right after, which was so much fun as well.

At the end of August, it came time for me to go back to school. I just transferred to a private California school, and after taking half a year off, it’s been quite the transition getting back into the school mentality. On top of all of that, I’ve gone back to work, and now I’m a married woman!

This year has brought on an insane amount of changes. It’s almost hard to believe that this is actually my life. I’ve been so busy, and so overwhelmed with work and homework, it’s been interesting trying to adjust. But despite all of the stress, I have never been so happy in my entire life. I’m married to and live with the love of my life. We have our own little family with us and our three (yes, THREE) cats in our own cute little apartment. Life is great.

That doesn’t go to say that there isn’t a difficulty in finding a balance. There are some days when I feel 0% motivation to take on the day. School is rough, but to go to work right after makes my days seem like an eternity. But I know I have to go to school in order to make my goal career a reality. And I know that I have to go to work in order to help my husband pay our bills at the end of each month.

It’s not easy, but I think in these situations, it’s important to always keep things in perspective. Choose your battles within yourself; choose what is actually worth stressing out over. Evaluate what you value most and prioritize accordingly. It’s important to always realize that though the problems may seem to big to handle, you are always capable of finding a way to overcome them.

It’s definitely a transition, but I’m loving every minute of it.

REMINDER: If you like books and want to hear more about new books, book recommendations, or just random bookish things, my other blog would be perfect for you!

Instagram: @bookrecs625